I have been away for quite sometime and while in some ways I have improved and am making an effort to my resolutions, in other ways I keep faltering and failing and disappointing myself.

As much as I hate to admit it -because for a while there I thought I was doing really well-- I've fallen back into depression and it's been frustrating, aggravating, and tiring. I can see both sides of the coin because when I'm fine and I see so read so many entries from people who are depressed, or talk to those who are, I am tempted to get frustrated with them and tell them to get over themselves and move on, and it's all in your head. But then --what a hypocrite I am-- I fall into my own depression, and it's just such an exhausting thing to battle yourself. When you know what's going on, and you're trying to fight it --trying so hard to disprove and negate the negative thoughts and emotions that suddenly plague you-- but it's just... an uphill battle.

I see myself making the effort and trying to act how I should, how I normally would, like everything's ok... but I make such little headway, or things come out all wrong, or I come across indifferent, unfeeling, cold, or bitchy... It's just doesn't turn out right. So then I just want to avoid people overall because I know I'm not going to handle them well.

I am seeped in doubts and fears, projecting the disappointments I have for myself onto others so I think that they too must be disappointed in me. I don't feel interesting, or interested in anything so I think no one's interested in me. And the person I have most difficulty with (internally) when I'm depressed? Sigurd of all people. Which is terrible.

It especially doesn't help when I know he's really stressed out and tired and angsty to begin with what with the business and all, and it being the Christmas retail rush... it just makes his moods prey all the more on my own insecurities.

I've made a couple visits to the gym, but not nearly as frequent as I'd like, and not the intense work out that I feel I should be doing. I'm not saying I'm going to give up, I'm just frustrated with myself. I've got no other obstacle except me.

Anyway, I just really needed to vent and get this out of my system. Hopefully this will help me to get over myself just a little bit more.