I have been away for quite sometime and while in some ways I have improved and am making an effort to my resolutions, in other ways I keep faltering and failing and disappointing myself.

As much as I hate to admit it -because for a while there I thought I was doing really well-- I've fallen back into depression and it's been frustrating, aggravating, and tiring. I can see both sides of the coin because when I'm fine and I see so read so many entries from people who are depressed, or talk to those who are, I am tempted to get frustrated with them and tell them to get over themselves and move on, and it's all in your head. But then --what a hypocrite I am-- I fall into my own depression, and it's just such an exhausting thing to battle yourself. When you know what's going on, and you're trying to fight it --trying so hard to disprove and negate the negative thoughts and emotions that suddenly plague you-- but it's just... an uphill battle.

I see myself making the effort and trying to act how I should, how I normally would, like everything's ok... but I make such little headway, or things come out all wrong, or I come across indifferent, unfeeling, cold, or bitchy... It's just doesn't turn out right. So then I just want to avoid people overall because I know I'm not going to handle them well.

I am seeped in doubts and fears, projecting the disappointments I have for myself onto others so I think that they too must be disappointed in me. I don't feel interesting, or interested in anything so I think no one's interested in me. And the person I have most difficulty with (internally) when I'm depressed? Sigurd of all people. Which is terrible.

It especially doesn't help when I know he's really stressed out and tired and angsty to begin with what with the business and all, and it being the Christmas retail rush... it just makes his moods prey all the more on my own insecurities.

I've made a couple visits to the gym, but not nearly as frequent as I'd like, and not the intense work out that I feel I should be doing. I'm not saying I'm going to give up, I'm just frustrated with myself. I've got no other obstacle except me.

Anyway, I just really needed to vent and get this out of my system. Hopefully this will help me to get over myself just a little bit more.

I am a happy camper - I finally went out to the news store downtown and had a look around and found what I was looking for: a pagan magazine! Pan Gaia to be specific. I started reading it last night and am very pleased and can't wait to really get into it. I have already decided I want a subscription once I clear up my finances a little more.

I am also thinking about getting a post office box to have my pagan-y things sent to me. I know it's an added expense, and I know easily argued an unnecessary one. But I am only thinking about it just now. I have my pros and cons, but the more I think about it, the more unnecessary and somewhat childish my reasoning is for having one.  

Samhain is nearly here - the new year. A time for me to think and reflect on a number of things: this past year, the new year, lost loved ones, achievements, disappointments, things I want to change, do differently; accomplishing the things I have merely aspired, letting go of negative things and any regrets I may have. It's taking one last look back before moving forward. So much has changed...

Some things I am thinking about... 

 - I want to write out my negative things to tear up and let go.

 - I want to write out the things that are positive, my aspirations, goals, plans, desires and dreams - no matter how outlandish and improbable they may seem.

 - How am I going to improve myself, my lifestyle, my finances? Better my career, my time management? My relationships with friends, family, and Sigurd? 

 - How/when exactly will I celebrate Samhain 

 - I want to clean and rid myself of clutter. Start fresh for the new year. Donate Items I no longer need. Recycle. Purge. Organize...

 - My fears... I am afraid of doing everything mediocre, of no well-known success. I am curious about many things and don't really have a desire to focus on just one thing. I am afraid my passions for things are only flashes in a pan, nothing more than infatuation. I ruminate too much and do not act enough. 

 Many of these things I already have the answer to. I just need to do. I cannot wait for this weekend to get active and start afresh!!!

 Happy Samhain, everyone!

Life has been happening. 2007 is proving to definitely be a year of dramatic changes. I have graduated, I found my career, Sigurd bought the store... Not two weeks from then, my uncle passed away the day after Father's Day, in August my grandfather on my father's side passed away, in September Sigurd's grandmother passed away, and this past Thursday, my Nana (my grandmother's mother) passed away.

I don't know if things had been put off enough to begin with, or somehow the back of my mind was being reminded of my own mortality and the need to examine and reprioritize, but needless to say: things finally culminated enough to a point that I needed to find a spot to be by myself to take time to think about everything, to sort myself out on things I wondered about but didn't think through, and things that I didn't really want to admit to, look at, or deal with. Friday night when Sigurd was out with the guys, I was restless and went out on my own and eventually brought myself to a neighborhood park where there were swings.

It was after dark, so of course there's some thoughts in the back of your mind about scary homeless people, loitering strangers, and officers coming up and interrupting you telling you to move along home since it's after sunset, but I decided I would at least scope out the area to see if the coast was clear and take my chances.

There wasn't anybody there. I pulled up my car to the far end of the parking lot where the swings were and I walked about 20 feet from my car to the farthest swing and took my spot. I started pumping my legs and soon enough I was swinging like a pendulum through the air.

I have always loved swings. I find them to be the most comforting thing, and they're the one place where I can think clearly. I needed to be somewhere where I could be alone, and not have any distraction.

I thought about a lot of things. It was a good self-discussion and examination, and I made myself be honest with myself, even if it didn't sound pretty or "good." I had a moment where I thought, "This was so great, I should put this on my blog!" but no... it was all for me, and no one else. I don't need to share it with others to have their opinion, their acceptance, their validation. If I wanted to remember what I had discovered, then I should physically write it down in one of my journals, just for me. So that's what I did when I got home. All you know is that I thought... ;)

When I got home, my mind was clear, I felt lighter, and more sure of myself, and when I went to bed, I slept long and deep and without dreams.

I guess you could say the swings are one of my Sacred Spaces...